COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD - 2008

   

Bubb Hopkinson, out at the boneless chicken farm on Hardscrabble Road, would like everyone to know that he’s having a going out of business sale. It seems that boneless chickens are a lot more work than Bubb had figured. Sure, they’re easier to catch and clean, but since Bubb is a strong believer in the Free Range concept, he had to carry them everywhere around the chicken yard and it just got to be too much. Bubb says that he’s usually there most of the day, but if he’s not, he’ll leave a coffee can for the money and the chickens will be draped over the fence.

LOST DOG
Black mutt with one leg missing, mange on left side, blind, no teeth, broken tail. Answers to the name of ‘Lucky’. Call 555-6347

The Dyslexia Help Group will meet this Thursday at 7:00 pm in the myg.

ALEXANDRIA MALL NEWS
The Red Lobster had a fire last week that burned a gaping hole in the wall that separates the restaurant from the Hobby Lobby store next door. Rather than fix the damage, Lance Boyle, assistant mall manager, decided it would be cheaper to tear down the rest of the wall and combine the two establishments. The new store will be known as Hobby Lobster.

Lance recommends these other fine new shops and stores:
Bread, Bait and Beyond
Curt and Rod’s Drapery Emporium
Italian seafood restaurant, The Codfather

Lance also wants everyone to remember that lattes are half-price every Friday at Java the Hut.

FOR SALE
Headstone. Standard gray. $200 - firm. A real bargain for someone named Fensterheimer. 555-6347

MISSING
The Alexandria Police Department requests that anyone knowing the whereabouts of their new ATV please call the station as soon as possible. The vehicle hasn’t been seen since it received a new camouflage paint job.

CRIME REPORT
Lester (don’t ever call him Les) Moore down at the Alex MiniMart reported that a case of urinal cakes had been stolen from the store room and two cans of black Rustoleum were missing from the Home Improvement aisle, according to Deputy Sheriff Bobby Cooperider.

SPORTS
Fred Wupperman of the Alexandria Senior Coed Hockey Association announces that teams are now forming. Sign up down at the Feed Mill. Bring your own sticks. Skates are optional. Fred would also like to thank an anonymous donor for the case of hockey pucks left on his doorstep. While a bit funny smelling and not exactly regulation size, they’ll do nicely nonetheless.

LOST AND FOUND
A prosthetic leg was found in the bushes behind the library. As of last Friday, no one has come forward to claim it. Deputy Sheriff Cooperider is stumped.

Ned Hooper, over by Croton, has decided to put his big rig skills to good use and open his own truck driving school. He originally wanted to call it Truck U. but, understandably, there were objections, especially from the Ladies League at the Baptist church, of which his wife Juanita is secretary. He has settled for the somewhat ponderous name of Ned’s Super Fine Organic Semi Driving School as he intends to use only biodiesel.

BATTLE OF THE BANDS
This year’s Battle of the Bands will be held two weeks from Saturday in the school gym. Here’s the line up so far:

- Poultry in Motion – Boneless chicken farmer Bubb Hopkinson’s band (kind of ironic)
- Hamster Sandwich
- Gag Reflex (They always follow Hamster Sandwich)
- The Resurrected Door Nails
- Boba Fetish and the Tatooine Five
- Elephants Gerald
- Bugs on Pins
- Custer’s Last Band – led by 98 year old guitarist Buster Custer

and featuring a special appearance by hip hop cellist Yo Ma Ma.

HISTORY WEEK
All next week The Alexandria History Museum will be celebrating the centennial of the bovine eye chart, developed by famous Alexandria veterinarian, Dr. Rudolph ‘Rudy’ McGurt. Dr. McGurt is renowned in large animal veterinary circles as the father of modern bovine ophthalmology. To this day, his original eye chart is presented to young veterinary graduates at commencement. Always a bit of a large animal snob, when asked why he didn’t develop canine or feline eye charts, Dr. Rudy would reply that he was concerned with only serious veterinary practice. Below is one of the first versions of his now famous eye chart.

NEW SHOP
A new soft ice cream shop has opened over by Granville. Proprietor Imogene Forsythe loves frozen treats and has also spent many years involved with dinner theater, so to add a little twist, she decided to combine the two concepts. The new shop will be called Drama Queen. Shows are every 15 minutes.

FOR SALE
White trash compactor. 20 bucks. Will trade for ’84 Chevy pickup parts or beer. Call 555-6347

After six weeks of intensive study, retired mechanic Herm Niedermyer finally received his law degree from a correspondence school he found in the back of a magazine while waiting for his wife down at the beauty parlor. For his first case, he plans to sue beautician Betty Sue Sperber, owner of Turn Your Head and Coif, for misleading the public. Herm claims that his wife Mabel has been getting so-called permanents from Betty Sue for years and there’s nothing actually permanent about them. After a month or so, they’re gone and Mabel has to get another one. He doesn’t like the way they smell either. Mabel just rolls her eyes and wishes he’d take up golf instead.